Free cereal bar

Today when I bought food and beer at the convenience store I was asked to put

On time

So today I took a different route and arrived in good.

But I am so stressed. a)  no time for coffee. b)  no time to make coffee.  c)  there is some confusion about my salary d) I am worried about Bianca.

I am worried she is very stressed and has an exam she forgot to tell me about (or I forgot).

Or maybe I did something wrong but is afraid to tell me.

Or she is not happy about something,  me perhaps...

Oh yeah,  and e) doctor.

Late

Got to make it by 9 for my doctor's appointment.

Tired

I do not know how long can I handle this feeling inside me. Every morning, I feel like I am being punished with this life.

I want to get free of this misery and pain. But I can't. It keeps burning me inside. Thoughts of relief keep running through my head...

But I lack what it takes to succeed in doing so...

Who knows

It is odd and sad that I only blog when I am not happy most of the times.

I do not know, some stuff is going on in my life right now. Things are far from great. Terrible actually.

My mum has visited me to comfort me a bit. I was feeling desperately alone in my world, in my house in Coventry, in the UK. I wake up, go to work, sleep and go to work again.

It felt like this is all I had to my life. Sure I am off to Germany, to Japan, and back to Germany... but just to work, nothing to go home to, or anything greater than work that is worth living for...

We will see how things pan out, currently I do not know.

I hope well.

I have spoken to her recently briefly, it felt good you know, because it felt like nothing had changed. It is terrible how discussions/arguments some times start due to the lack of communication. The irony is that now that that argument has occurred communication is back to near normal... who knows why things go this way.

External influences? Stress? Work?

Ehhhh...

Images and thoughts keep running through my head. Happy and sad, happy ones usually involve the past and the dreams. The sad ones usually involve the worst case future expectations.

As I always do in these moments, I end with the lyrics from 2 songs that I am listening to. They have always been on my playlist, but I suppose this is the first time I understood them. The latter of the 2, I have listened to the composer explain the meaning behind them... she captured the feelings very well I must say.

Song 1

Couldn't sleep so I went out walking
Thinking about you and hearing us talking
And all the things I should have said
Echo now, inside my head

I feel something falling from the sky
I'm so sad I made the angels cry

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Tears from the moon, tears from the moon

It just ain't fair this thing called loving
When one step there and the other feels nothing
I would have done anything for you
I still love you, baby I adore you

All day I keep from falling apart
But at night when the sky gets dark

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Stop, Stop haunting me
It should be easy
As easy as when you stopped wanting me

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
but tears from the moon
can't wash away the pain

Tears from the moon, tears from the moon
Tears from the moon, tears from the moon

Song 2

A little bit just a little bit...

World's on turn around

Music make no sound

Where is sweetness found

Where love is gone

Sun don't come around

Don't make a sound

Where can love be found

If your heart won't feel

Shivers

Up and down my spine

Breaker

Not on my mind

A little bit just a little bit...

How could it end this way

Don't leave me, love me

Just a little bit longer

They don't turn tonight

Morning don't bring light

Where is sweetness found

Where love is gone

Won't you stay tonight

Let the truth shine bright

Where can love be found

If your heart won't feel

Memories

Emotions that we share

Teardrops

Signing my face

How could it end this way

Don't leave me, love me

Just a little bit longer

A little bit just a little bit...

----

The tunes are awesome too.

Got to get back to work now...

Sick, lost and confused

Today is the first time I left work because I was not feeling well.

I struggled to go to sleep yesterday, and woke up feeling rough. Had a morning shower and some pain killers, and felt I could do it. But the noise of the office, the lack of fresh air, and the thoughts in my head were making me feel sick. I felt this urge to throw up (though I have not yet thrown up).

So I took the day off after 3hrs of work. It sucks, because I want to get myself busy, and I have a lot of work to be getting on with. I definitely need to try and get back in tomorrow. Need to get things back on track.

I am hoping that writing things down here can help me see what is going on in my head written in front of me, and thus allowing me to put it down and ignore it.

I am truly stuck, genuinely I do not know what to make of what's happened. One moment we are talking about holidays, cars, flats, the next about happiness and how she's happy and has found a new perspective on life.

The next moment, she is leaving me. Or rather, she merely wanted a long break, till I finish working at DENSO UK. This just did not make sense to me. The whole discussion started because I felt forgotten and it was like we were not together anymore, how would such a thing help?

What about when I would go to Japan for 1.5 years? Another break?

I just feel so lied to, and it hurts so much. Part of me keeps hanging on to this idea that any minute we are going to get back together. But I am lieing to myself. Even if she were to ask for us to get back together. I think I need time to re-group myself and she needs to sort out her head.

I wonder if she has found someone else and does not have the courage to tell me. Maybe I was right, uni, Siemens, and her new friends changed her. I do not know. Maybe it is better this way.

I just think of how perfectly we fit on most levels. Maybe I am seeing what I want to see?

For sure, intellectually and intimacy wise, I found my match, someone who I could let go of with and trust in. But in terms of life aspirations, I thought she was also like me, but perhaps not?

I left the small pathetic island of Malta to come here to the UK to chase my dreams with no more than £1400 in my pocket. Here I am, working for the company I wanted to, with my 1st class honours and actually was the top guy of the class. Got my chance to go and work in Japan.

Whereas Bianca cannot even take some risk to chase a career path where she is truly happy, she would rather play the safe card. Stick to this apprenticeship and be an over-qualified office person. I mean she has a phobia of flying, need I say more of how hindered her aspirations may be.

Yet I think of the many experiences and adventures and unique moments we had, and I think to myself, were they all fake? How could they be what I thought they were after the things she said to me?

Once she would let me wake her up everyday before work via skype just so that we can say good morning, and see each other briefly on the webcam. We would call each other during our breaks, and then chat in the evening.

Surely, times have changed, we are both busier, but we agreed how to overcome this. She is now the one to wake up earlier, so she was meant to call me, she works now, so she was meant to text me (with the credit I paid for), and 1 day out of the weekend reserve it for each other.

All of this only worked for 1 or 2 days. We discussed it and both agreed we need to stick to it to make things work, but she kept dropping me off her list of things to do... why was it so difficult to at least let me know that she is going out with her friends on Saturday, and doing something else on Sunday a couple of days ahead, as opposed to on the day or the morning after when she is back home?

How can someone that meant so much to her be so hard to let them know what's going on? The thing is, she was the one who suffered by the distance and complained that I am not there, and so on. And I am the one who kept thinking of ways to make things work, and in the end, it all didn't matter, because she was the one not to come through with the commitments she made.

She said she will marry me... how can someone say yes when it is so easy to undo it? Maybe I am old fashioned, but I do not make such promises so lightly.

Maybe I am too 'adventures' for her, UK, Japan and Germany within 3 years. Maybe my unplanned stuff like wanting to drive down to see her without much preparation on the spare of the moment is too much for her. Even though she is the one to have always said we do not do many spontaneous things.

I think I was never truly valued. I chose to sign up for a life in Germany for her. She always said, "Do not do this for me", but I did, so why can't she see how much she means to me? Then cause I took 2 years for myself (my career and my dream), half a year in the UK and 1.5 years in Japan, she hated me. Why? Is she not busy with her own thing? Is she not the one who said she understood my determination, the one who said she would follow me to any end of the world, and that would wait for me till the end of time (and in practical terms, wait for me to do a masters, etc, if I had to). So why was this so hard to deal with?

Was she not the one who said has no problems with distance and that she feared I would struggle with it.

Maybe she was young and naive, and watched too many romance films. It did my head in whenever she said all she needs is me and a hug and to look into my eyes for it to be okay. For sure it is a nice feeling, but beyond the feeling, maturity, money, preparations, plans, etc, are the sort of things a couple needs to lead a happy life together.

She even told me, "Nadir, forget this stuff that if Germany does not work it is over between us, we can always go somewhere else". Ha! What bull, what if I did go to Germany straight away as opposed to staying in the UK for 7 months. Would she really have followed me? I can bet my life not.

I did not give her this choice, she did not have to decide, she just had to bare and wait a bit, I would visit her as much as I can, till we could be together forever, and have a family and grow old, but now that's all gone with the wind.

So much for being my support and comfort. The person who promised to be always there for me, love me no matter what, need nothing else but me, marry me, be with me, 'till the sky falls down', left me, because the going got tough.

Oh she will then say she still cares about me and is there for me, even after the break up. What is that about? I think her actions are merely a way of her thinking of herself, my happiness was not her priority. She said she did not want to do this to me - again, so why is she doing it?

Nothing makes sense, I am smiling right now, at the insanity of it all...

What do I do now? With the GB's of photos of us in different countries and occasions? The different framed photos? The several clothing items I have with her scent? She is around me everywhere I look, even when I am not searching for her. Even when I am in my car, I can only think of the moments we had....

Next week - off to the Nurburgring Nordschleife! I think I'll go alone, the adventure might be a good experience of self discovery.

So this week, things to do:

- Catch up like crazy with work

- Tune up my car (new brakes, suspension set up, and maybe new tyres)

So dead inside

In a moment, it all lost its meaning, purpose, vision. Alone i  this world...

【Megurine Luka】 secret

This is how tired I looked

This is how tired I looked before driving back from Ramsgate

DENSO